A speck of me and my thoughts.

I haven’t done shit.

     I’m gonna be completely honest, 2016 has been a growing year for me. I’m 23 now and I still want to document my life as much as possible. I intended to do just that when I created myself a Tumblr, at only 17. However, I’ve been very busy and immersed in finishing school. Okay, I’m ready to talk… 2015 as a whole was possibly the worst period in my life. As a result, I succumbed to the incoming torment and was continuously in a state of misery. I didn’t know how to overcome whatever it was that I was in, but I was able to bounce back. I’m now a changed person, and far more stable than before. Granted, I’m still working on becoming a better person. “I’m alright but I could be better” is what I keep telling myself in hopes of actually bettering myself. By that I mean, in all aspects of life. And really for the sake of my well-being. I had to, because I wanted to be sane like before… Sanity, you say? Yes, my sanity! And it’s important that you seek help when you fear your well-being is at stake. I didn’t want to accept it before, but I was battling depression and anxiety. It’s not something you come to accept, because many of us I think are scared. Perhaps, those of us that have dealt with depression never thought we would actually fall for it, at least I did.

     It was horrible, and at first, I didn’t think a person like myself could have depression. I figured these feelings were adjacent to those folks with troubled pasts. “Me, impossible! I laugh too much”; “Not someone like myself”; or “Maybe I’m sad”… Is what I would tell myself, hoping I’d figure it out. I was wrong, so wrong. I’m happy to report that my depression has been controlled, but it’s a lifelong battle. Oh, and to top it off, I also battled with spells of recurring anxiety or an anxiety disorder. This, (anxiety) my friends is no joke, I would know. I still deal with this shit, and it’s the worst feeling ever. I’ve learned to cope with my anxiety, and its horrifying spells that sometimes overcome me completely. If you need help or someone to talk to, you can always contact me or seek professional help. These are things that can happen to anyone.

     For a very long time, I thought it was just me and all the facets of transitioning into adulthood. But I was wrong, I’ve since come to learn that I did in fact, dealt with one of these issues (anxiety) growing up. Granted, I didn’t have the idyllic childhood one comes to expect. At least nothing like on the big screen, but I have happy memories of my childhood.. But back to the greater issue on hand. I never sought treatment, and I could not come to terms with seeking help. I was afraid, because I feared judgement by others. I didn’t want to let a stranger into my own thoughts; that I felt was for myself only. Please don’t be like me and seek help! I don’t know why I decided to share this today. In short, don’t let the trails and tribulations define your destiny.

Sincerely yours, Gonzalo Elias

There are days when I get up from bed, and I almost immediately feel a tremendous pouring of self-motivation to better myself in all aspects. There are also days in which I awake to a defeat of all the negative that has happened in my life. Now, I have only been roaming them streets for only twenty-two years and some twenty-plus weeks, but all those years have taught me much ‘bout myself and those black eyes that walk with me everyday. I’m not posting this in regards to draw attention, but I’m certainly typing this message as a way to document my current sanity. Who knows? I might just go mad one day and never realize what such craziness took over those black eyes that walked with him everyday.